The Now

What am I missing in life? I think I'm missing the whole darn thing. I'm not sure how to live. I'm kind of lost rite now and have been for a very long time. I don't know what to do with myself, I am a very lost person decently not sting enough to support another. I wish I were, I could use it. I wish I had the strength to support another in my life but I don't and I'm very lonely. I wish I could spell too and read better. Their are a lot of things I wish I could or would have done differently in my life and I don't think it's a good thing to dwell on the past and the things you can not change but I can not stop thinking about it. About were it was that I had gone wrong so many times before. I need to learn from these things but better yet I wish I could turn back time and replay it the way it should have gone but In reality I'm not sure it could have been any other way. I guess thats kind of just how life is. You get what you get and that is what you have. Until your capable of working for something you really have no control. I have no control. I don't own my house or the place I live. Most don't. Everyone has to work super hard to have anything. Why isn't life different? This is kind of why I wish I were dead. I wish I could get past all the things of the living, not to mention all I really want to do is sleep but you can't live like that so what am I meant to do? Be a writer I guess. I could sit here and write all day long but I run our of things to talk about, so I just keep going. Keep trucking along until I can find something to speak about. I wish I was smarter and could make people happy or laugh or something. I really am a depressing person. I really bring things down. I wish I wasn't so suisidel through my life, I think it would have made a world of difference in the way everything turned out. I think I'm done with dating for a long time. I don't think I'll find love any time soon nor should I be looking for it. I think it'll be one of thought things that just happens. I probably won't be able to stop it from happening to be honest. It'll all happen in due time. I hope. That is at least what I am told to believe. As they say patience is a virtue. I wish I had love in my life though. I'm sick and tired of being lonely. But all that is childish crap. No body cares about me or this. They care about money. Money is where it's at. It's all about the benjamins. That's what it is. What do I do to get some money. I don't think I'll be able to make any thing of myself. I don't want school but if I don't were will I be? If I don where will I be. I don't think that deferent from where I am now. I wish magic existed like in the movies. It's sad to see all these things in movies and not have them be real. Why do they or we make life so difficult? I feel like life could be so much simpler and far easer but thats if magic existed. I imagine it would be just like poof, done. Everything you need just poof done. Where ever, when ever. O gosh how I wish magic to exist but we all know it dose not. Magic is dumb. It's for children to expand their imaginations so we can make more creative decisions and make more money. It's a circle and I want out. God it's like a serpent eating it's own tail. It's sad to see what we do to one another. Think of all the people whom get treated like shit at their job and nobody notices because that person is invisible. Completely invisible. Nobody talks to them, no body befriends them. It's sad but true. There are a lot of people out there that have nothing going for them and I don't know what to do bout it. Not that I really want to do anything about it, I'm lazy and unfriendly. I don't want people in my life per say. I do need people but I would love to be alone for most of my day or time or what ever. I would love to go outside and do something with people but I have no money. You can't really hold onto friends if you have no money. You end up using people and it go's sour. It's no good. I do wish I had some one to talk to. I wish I had friends with some of the same interests as myself but I think that would take too much time way from me and my pursuits. It would get in way of my goals witch are to become self sufficient and self reliant. witch is had for me. I don't how to be alone but I would very much like to be. I think it would be a nice change. I'm sick of living with my family. They don't love me anymore and they need me out they just know I have nowhere to go. I'm homeless.

What would I do if I had a home of my own?

Daydream.

I would probably be working a bunch to support myself and my life style.

I feel like I am screaming in my head and I feel it would make great music but I have no way of letting it out other than here. Thank God I have here. Where would I be without you?